I held you in my hand

*Photo is not a picture of my Gabriel, but a perfect example of his size as I held him in my hand*

I held you in my hand,

So tiny yet so perfect.

I felt my heart shatter, 

All my hopes and dreams were gone.

I held you in my hand,

A little piece of heaven.

I felt my heart ache,

As Jesus took you home.

I held you in my hand, 

So lifeless yet so living.

I felt my heart change,

Never to be the same.

                                

He held me in His hand,

A comfort unexplained.

I felt my heart soothed,

I will see you yet again.

Please hold him in Your hand Lord,
Please tell him about his family,
that our hearts still ache to know him,
That we'll miss him 'til we're home.

"weeping may endure for a night..."

"Hear my cry, O God, attend unto my prayer. From the ends of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Ps 61:1-2

Wow...  My heart is overwhelmed!

I know it has been a while since I updated through a blog post. It has been 5 1/2 months since God wrapped his arms around Gabriel and took him from me. The grief has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and I have just been holding on tight and trying to ride it out. All the while begging God to just let it end and my life go on without the hurt. I have not sat around and cried, actually the only time I had cried up until these last 2 weeks was in Church services and in bed after everyone else was sleeping. But the closer my actual due date gets and the bigger my friends "baby bellies" get the more my heart hurts.

To say I have been having a tough time is an understatement!  For the last 2 weeks my heart has been very heavy. The tears have flown unstoppable at EVERY unexpected moment and the hurt that I feel has caused a loneliness that is unexplainable.Yes, my mind knows all the right "God" answers, my mind understands the sovereignty and goodness of my God. My mind knows that even though I do not feel the love and grace of God at this very moment does not mean it is not there. But my heart aches with an emptiness that seems as if nothing will fill it. To be around people has become VERY difficult because I feel that my pain cannot be masked by the joy I want to feel for my friends. My happy has left and the sadness has settled in. I know, you might be thinking at this moment, "It has been nearly 6 months why now? " I am thinking the very same thing!  I am not sure why I could control my grief before, but now I feel completely out of control. Before I put my sadness in a jar and only dealt with it when I had time for it, but now I have no choice but to make time for it.Yes, I am fully aware that this sounds like a pity party! And yes, this is your invitation! I keep trying to tell myself to suck it up... to "put it away" and cry about it later. I KNOW it could be worse, and that so many people have it MUCH worse than me right now. No need to beat me up over it, I have already taken care of that part... complete with the use of my Grandpa's favorite phrase "Suck it up, you cream puff"! I have been tough, I have held myself up when I did not want to. I have MADE myself be okay. But right now God has disabled my coping mechanism and made me into a weak vessel full of tears and pain. No "tough mama" face to keep from "worrying" the family. No plastered smiles and friendly conversations with my friends. Just me, a lot of tissues, and the hope that these tears will heal the heartache I feel from my empty belly and rid me of the guilt that I feel for so many ridiculous reasons! 

I have clung to the promise from psalms 30:5b "weeping may endure for a night, but JOY cometh in the morning." 

I have set this time aside to grieve. Not intentionally this moment, God picked this moment, but instead of fighting it and being angry at myself for not being able to "control" it I am going to allow it. Set aside this season for complete and utter sadness, and then set a time to "put it away". 


In Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4 it says "¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:...⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;"  


So for my friends and family, never fear, if I start crying the second you ask me how I am doing, I AM OKAY! On purpose I will weep and mourn. On purpose I will accept this season, and THEN on purpose I will laugh and Dance! And although I know many of you want to support me through this time I do not expect anyone to attend my pity party! BUT I will invite you to my celebration of life when this "season" is over!  


Thanks for letting me share... and thank you to all of you who pray for me! 




On a side note, I got test results back today with a diagnosis that explains the severe infection that made my body "reject" Gabriel and get so sick. I have the same infection that Cade had, Bartonella. It was masked by the massive doses of antibiotics I was given to treat the "sepsis" and pneumonia after I delivered, but is still active in my body. I will be seeing an infectious disease doctor and coming up with a treatment plan in the next few days. Please pray this treatment will heal my body and help me to get back to feeling good again. I also ask that you pray there is no permanent damage caused from the infection in my uterus. Thanks in advance for your prayers!    

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

So the other day I woke up with the overwhelming feeling to run from my "problems". Usually I am pretty much a tackle what you got going on and make it work, but not yesterday, I just wanted it all to disappear! I said well if you feel like running,Sarah, then running is what we shall do! I got out of bed, put my socks and sneakers on and walked out the door. I probably would have ran forever had my treadmill not been on my back deck, so instead of running on the road I hopped on the treadmill. I put the earbuds in and cranked up Here I am by the Gospel Light Baptist church choir. I cranked up the dial to a whopping 4.3 mph, which happens to be as fast as I can run at the moment. (I know, slow but try to give me a break!) Then I took off! I ran for as long as I could and then when I couldn't run I walked. It sure felt good to let it loose for a little bit, but after about 30 minutes and 2 miles I finally decided I had better stop running and face what ever my day brought me. By that night I was just wishing I had kept running!

The feeling of complete failure in life had begun to overwhelm me. There are few things I feel like I am doing good right now and for a "type A" personality like myself this feeling is VERY disheartening! If I cannot do it good then why do it at all... right? Well, that is what the devil had convinced me was the truth. With little ability to persuade myself to "cheer up" I went to bed feeling like a failure.

The next morning when I woke up there was that feeling again... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! But I could not run, I had too much reality to deal with that running was not an option. I pushed through that day crying most of the way, but I pushed. I drug myself to church. The preacher preached on Job and the "sabeans" and how this might be bad but it might get worse.  I got angry at the man preaching that night! (I know go figure... what did HE do to ME!) The more he talked the madder I got. I literally wanted to throw the song book at him! (in christian love of corse!!)  I did not want to hear that this might be preparing me for something worse...Although I know what he was saying could be true in my situation, I don't want this to be the sand hill before the mountain or the tempest before the euroclydon! I don't even want to think about what could be worse because right now this hurts really bad!  To say I was nothing but a pile of emotions would have been be quite accurate.

Throughout this past week I have gotten up every morning with the same feeling flooding my body: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I have run more in this last week than I have since the seventh grade! I pray daily that the "fight or flight" response in my body would get lost, but until then I have tried very hard to find the things I am doing good and focus on doing them better.

 I have found great peace in washing dishes because I there is no walking from room to room and getting distracted. I can easily accomplish the task. I enjoy standing at the sink and watching the "happenings" in the yard! The birds and squirrels busy about their business and the leaves blowing across the yard.
 
I have recently started reading a chapter book with my kids, The Prodigal Cat by Janette Oke. I love to just shut out the rest of the world and snuggle up next to them and just read away! This makes me feel like, if nothing else, I have accomplished being a loving mommy.

I do my best to not let my house be quiet. When my house is quiet my mind takes over so : when I walk I listen to uplifting spirit filled music. When the kids are doing quiet stuff I play music in the house. When the kids are napping I plug in the head phones and listen to preaching from Fellowship Baptist Church of Durham NC. on fbcofdurham.org. I try my hardest to avoid letting my mind take over my day.

Probably the 2 most effective things to helping me deal with the overwhelming feelings is to #1 RUN! Like I said before I have not really ran since I was in track and field in the 7th grade. It is something I do not understand, but when I get done running on the treadmill it is easier to walk back through the door and face my day.  And #2 do an assessment. I ask myself "Did you get enough rest?" and "could this all be hormones?" when the answer to these are "no" and "yes" I try to cut myself some slack and realize tomorrow is a new day! I also try to remember the points to a very helpful sermon Preached by Dr. Rick Finley from Acts 27  "When Sailing is Dangerous" which is available by download as an audio sermon at fbcofdurham.org
1. When sailing is dangerous you gotta be patient
James chapter 1:1-4
2.When sailing is dangerous you gotta keep the right perspective
Acts 27:10
3.When sailing is dangerous you gotta be selective whose advice your gonna listen to.
Acts 27:11
4.When sailing is dangerous you gotta move slowly
Acts 27: 12-13
5.When sailing is dangerous realize it could be worse
Acts 27:13- 14
6.When sailing is dangerous don't lose your faith in God
Acts 27:21- 25
You are gonna make it...
Acts 27:44 "And the rest, some on boards, and some on broken pieces of the ship. And so it came to pass, that they escaped all safe to land."

So what do you do when all you want to do is run away?? To be honest I don't know... but I know God does, so if I just stay put, keep looking to Him for my strength, and filling my mind with  godly things one day the feeling to escape is going to not be so overwhelming. I know I am going to make it... I might be floating on a piece of wood to the other side, but I will make it!  

Chapter 5- My Lord Knows the Way Through the Wilderness

And now I sit here.... frozen. The sickness in the pit of my stomach is indescribable. My hands are shaking and I have tears freely flowing... Remembering the next 36 hours is one thing but sharing it with the world is such an unbelievably difficult task. Although I have had miscarriages in the past, the loss of Gabriel has changed my life in unexplainable ways. There is no way I can prepare you for the detailed pain and circumstances I am about to share with you other than to say... God's grace is amazing!

Saturday, September 17, 2011 was different. I was on strict instructions to stay in bed so the only thing I did was a quick shower to wash the gross feeling of dried blood off of me from 2 days before when I was in the emergency room hemorrhaging. Even getting up to go to the bathroom was a very cautious task. Although I felt I was laying, waiting for my baby to die at any moment, I still managed an upbeat spirit. I enjoyed a visit with our preacher and his wife mid day and the rest of the time I just tried to focus on every movement I felt and every moment I had to enjoy being pregnant. I talked to my baby boy A LOT this day and the family spent a lot of time laying beside me talking to him and rubbing and kissing my belly. I took this time to try and prepare my kids... if anything were to go wrong I wanted them to know our baby was too tiny to live. We looked at "in utero" pictures of babies at 14 weeks from a book provided by my OB. We found things that represented our babies approximate size. (as we had done throughout the past weeks) I explained to them that the baby would not be able to breath to live if he was born and that he would have to go live with Jesus. More than anything I wanted them to understand the baby was sick and could die. The kids prayed on again off again through the day that the baby would be safe. And I was very thankful when it came time for all of them to go to bed so I could take off the brave face and just be scared for a bit. As my mom and husband got the kids ready for bed and got them situated I laid in bed enjoying the time with my ever so active baby and marveled at the miracle he was still alive! A few minutes later my mom came in and asked how I was doing. I told her I was kinda chilled so we took my temp and discovered a low grade temp of 99.9. I would have normally just blown it off, but with the events of the last 2 days I went ahead and called the doctor. She told me that I was not really at risk for an infection because what was happening was in a sterile environment inside my body. I found this a little ironic since the doc in the ER had so strongly insisted that I was risking my life because of the risk of infection, but I took the doctors word for it and relaxed. I enjoyed the fluttering going on in my belly and thanked God for one more moment with my baby and went to sleep.

Sunday (September 18, 2011) I woke up feeling just as good as the night before and did not really notice if I was running a fever or not. My mom had come by to help my husband get the kids ready for church and sit with me while he went in to teach his class. When I got up to go to the bathroom I noticed Desi had on a summer dress and it was quite cool outside so I went to her closet and picked out a warmer dress and instructed her to change and walked to the bathroom. At this point I felt fine. No cramping or contractions or pain of any sort for that matter. When I sat down on the toilet however I passed a large clot that was about as big as my hand and out of nowhere I was having a constant contraction. Although I was in severe pain all I could think about was that I had just delivered my baby into the toilet and I could not flush him down the toilet... I had to make sure he was not in there. Praise the Lord it was just a clot. I made my way back to my room and shut the door to try to pull myself together before my kids saw me. Desi walked in the door behind me and immediately called for her daddy. After reassuring her that I was just hurting and that I was fine I made her leave. I told my husband I needed to go to the hospital, but that I needed him to get the kids out of the house and to church. All my kids came in and kissed me... little did I know those "lovies" would sustain me through some of the scariest moments of my life! I called and got a friend set to take the kids and called my husband to tell him to meet us at the hospital. I look back at these moments and I am shocked I was able to think as clearly as I was with the severe pain I was in. I was barely able to concentrate on the task of getting dressed and finding my shoes. So thankful for my mama being there and knowing what I needed.

On the way to the hospital my contractions actually started get a rhythm to them and I was able to relax between each contraction. My husband beat us to the hospital and was there waiting when we got there. He wanted to put me in a wheel chair but being the stubborn woman I am, I refused. After all I needed to be able to talk to the people at the desk to get checked in! The man at the dest felt it necessary to explain that I was not 20 weeks so I would have to wait in the er to see the doctors. I always felt like this is the stupidest regulation, but I just said, "I know I was here Thursday!" I waited in the ER for about 10 minutes before they got me back. Sitting there all I could focus on was the floor and it looked like it was breathing!

When the nurse came and got me they did not put me through all the protocol questions they had the other day, but just sat me down and took my vitals. It was at this point we realized my fever was up (100.8) and something else besides labor was going on. My blood pressure was elevated because of the pain and all I wanted was a blanket and a bed... some mega pain meds would have been nice too, but those I would wait hours for!

In the next few hours I went through a myriad of blood work and IV pokes. I was freezing, but they would not let me cover up because my fever was climbing really fast I believe it was up over 103 pretty quick. I had to go to the bathroom really bad but did not want to tell them because I was terrified of delivering my baby in the toilet. The nurses said they needed to get a urine sample but needed to place a catheter to get it. Several nurses tried to get urine and said I must not have a full enough bladder because they could not "collect". I had four different doctors and nurses try to place a catheter several different times each to no avail. By the time the last nurse came in I was even more uncomfortable and wanted to cry. I prayed and asked God to help her and instantly felt the need to sing to take me to a different place mentally. The song that I sang was My Lord Knows the Way Through the Wilderness. I had no idea what was to come or what these words would mean to me, but I started singing... "My Lord knows the way through the wilderness, all I have to do is follow. My Lord knows the way through the wilderness, all I have to do is follow. STRENGTH for today is mine all the way and ALL that I need for tomorrow. My Lord knows the way through the wilderness, all I have to do is FOLLOW." by the time I finished singing everyone in the room had joined me and the nurse had placed the catheter. The next few hours grow very fuzzy for me. I don't remember much of it, but I do remember going in for a sonogram. I remember trying to focus on the screen, but not being able to. The tech was not talking so I asked my husband and mom to tell me if the baby was okay. Other than knowing he was alive I do not remember anything else about the sonogram or even the doctor coming in afterwards. My family tells me that the doctor said the baby was still very strong and not showing any sign of distress. That nothing had changed from 4 days earlier when they told me he would die. I was moved up to the ob floor and put in a room where I would stay for the next several days. This room was ironically the same room I was placed in for a week when I was having complications with my first pregnancy. Never would I have dreamed a hospital room would feel like sacred ground, but the circumstances that happened in that room would prove to be very sacred! I settled in and continued to contract very regularly. It is such a frustrating feeling to know that because I was not 20 weeks yet the doctors would not even attempt to stop my labor. I was finally hooked up to a morphine pump that I had control of a button to push but it only worked every 8 minutes and I wanted it about every 2! Even though I was in horrible pain and had a really high fever I tried to focus on enjoying labor. I knew that if the contractions did not stop I would deliver my baby and I wanted to soak in every minute of the experience. I was super aware of everything and everyone around me. I was continuously worried about how this experience would effect the people in the room and the rest of my friends and family. I remember instructing my husband on how to answer texts from different people because I knew they were alone at work or school and I did not want them upset. I remember thinking about my friends that were pregnant and worrying that this would change the way they shared their excitement with me. More than anything I remember the feeling that I was not alone, that every single one of my friends and family would hurt with me and that made it even more important to live in the moment and soak in every single bit I could.

As the time passed the doctors said several times over that they did not think I would contract hard enough to deliver my baby. That it is just not common to have a 14 week delivery. I however had no doubt in my mind that before that night was over I WOULD hold my baby. I remember being very firm and assertive with the nurses and doctors that I wanted to hold my baby. I expressed the fear that they would try to just throw him away and tried to be very clear that I wanted to hold him. I remember singing over and over... My Lord Knows the Way through the Wilderness. I remember begging God to stop labor, and then sometime around 5:15pm with a major contraction my water broke. This was the most devastating moment I have ever been through. That moment that took all hope away. That moment screamed there was nothing I could do to keep my body from killing my baby. In that moment God allowed my contractions to stop and gave us time to grieve that moment. After a couple minutes I turned to the nurse and said she needed to get the pitocin because I needed my contractions to come back. Again the docs really did not think I would go any further. As she turned and left the room I remember looking up at the ceiling and saying "God, I want my contractions back!" Before the nurse got back to the room I had started contracting again... and I was so thankful! Around 5:35 I told the doctor I felt like I needed to push and they checked me. I had dilated to TEN, something they had said was almost impossible. The doctor looked at me and with so much sadness and compassion she said "I am so sorry, but you are right it is time to push" I pushed a couple times and felt the baby move as he was coming through the birth canal and by 5:40 he was here. She handed me my baby like he was a beautiful full term healthy baby, but I knew he was dead. He was in a blue towel no bigger than a washcloth. She apologized again as she handed him to me. I accepted him just as I had done my other three children. At that moment he was my pride and joy. My heart swelled with love. It did not matter that he was dead. I put my hands on his body and kissed his head. I counted his fingers and toes and sat in awe of his perfection. His skin was so transparent that you could see his heart (about the size of a quarter), that was such an amazing thing to see. I remember thanking God for how straight his feet were. We had prayed for our baby to have straight feet and God answered that prayer! In the three hours that we held him I could not imagine my life any other way. He was perfect he weighed in at 1.48 ounces and was 4.92 inches long. His feet measured 1.4cm in length and his head circumference was 3.7 inches. His chest measured 3.03 inches. He had TEN perfect fingers and TEN perfect toes and the tiniest ears. He had the same little divot in the end of his nose as his older brother. His jawline and lips even showed close resemblance. He was PRECIOUS!

Gabriel Michaels foot prints:

 A size comparison of Gabriel Michel's and my first baby, Desiree's foot prints. Same exact size paper... he was perfectly tiny!

We passed him around the room and everyone got to spend time with him and love him. I told him how much I loved him, I sang to him and kissed on him and then the time came to let him go. I asked my mom and Sandi to sing the song New 23rd (Psalms 23)  which they did. I handed Gabriel to my husband and he walked with the nurse to the nursery.

God's grace was so amazing through these moments. I felt sadness and devastation, but not destruction. I knew that this was not the last time I would see him, but that there will be a reunion in heaven some day! I felt so privileged to have held a little piece of heaven. An experience that 4 days before the er doctor tried to convince me was impossible!

As much as I would like to say this is the end of or journey.... it was not. We still had the fever issue to address which I will do in a later post.

Chapter 4 - WARNING: A Miracle in Progress

* *This post was written on Friday, September 16, 2011... 2 days before I delivered Gabriel Michael. I shared it on facebook as a note, but thought it was important to include it in my blog for others to piece together my journey.**

Yesterday morning (September 15, 2011) I woke up at 5:30 with the instant knowledge that my day would be one I would never forget. I found myself in instant sever pain with the onset of labor and soon after realized that, for lack of better description, my water had broke. I was then hit with the severe hemorrhaging and panic set in! Becausethis has not been the smoothest of pregnancies my first thought was God is taking my baby, and there is NOTHING I can do this time. My next thought was "God is ALWAYS right, and GOD is ALWAYS good!" I have spent the last 14 weeks ingraining that phrase into my thought process of life, and it was that thought and phrase that held me through the scariest moments of yesterday.

I arrived at the emergency room around 6:30am and within 20 minutes was being rolled into a room for what ended up being a TWO hour ultrasound. The first thing the tech did was show us our baby's heart beating. WHAT A PRECIOUS SIGHT! That sight brought me hope, put me back on top of that mountain! As the hours passed they took hundreds of pictures, left the room to talk to the doctor, had a second tech come in and take more pictures and my hope became tainted little by little. We were then wheeled back to the er with no information.

At 9:30AM the OB doctor came in, one I had never met before, dressed in her operating scrubs. She told me, very coldly and distantly that I was losing the baby my cervix was wide open. She said I needed to go to surgery that moment for a D&C. I was MAD! I had seen the heart beat, MY BABY was still ALIVE, but she wanted to take it away saying there was NO HOPE. When I refused the D&C and asked to go home she told me I had to sign a form because I was leaving the hospital against medical advice. When I asked her what advice she was giving me that would make me stay she told me I needed to do the procedure because 95% of people do it so they can "Get back to their families, on to the next pregnancy and get on with their lives" She also said I was putting myself at risk trying to "miscarry" on my own. I again refused the procedure and ignored her until she left the room.

We cried and hurt really not know anything... we had gotten no explanation as to what happened, we did not know if my water had broken, we did not know anything except I was dilated and she said I was losing the baby. All I knew was she was not playing God on my body and taking my living baby out of my body guaranteeing its death!

At 11:00AM I was still unable to think to know what to do, or ask the questions I needed the answers to so I reached out to a friend that I knew could understand what I was going through, Renee Parris. She instantly was on her way and what a blessing that was! She was able to give me a voice and help me get my questions answered! She sat with me and let me talk through my feelings not caring that they were raw and harsh. Understanding what I was feeling, and that I really just needed to not have to know the answer. She sat with me as the er doctor explained that the baby's sack had completely detached from the uterus and that all supply and communication from my body to the baby had been severed. That it was inevitable, my baby was going to die! I sat with my husband and Renee trying to prepare to say goodbye to my baby, something I have done 4 other times in this pregnancy.

As the hours passed the ER doctor tried to convince the ob doctor to allow another ultrasound to check viability of the baby and she refused. They tried to get her to come back down and check my cervix, and she refused. She said that if I was not having the procedure there was no reason for her to do anything else. Because the ER doctor did not want me to leave in active labor, which at this point I was contracting every three minutes, she continued to try and get the OB doctor to come check on me before discharge. We waited more than 7 hours when the shifts changed before we saw a doctor. The doctor that was on call that night was a gift from God! Dr. F is my regular doctor... she delivered all 3 of my babies and we have been through so much together! She got in the building at 6:00 pm and was in my room by 6:15! She instantly got the ball rolling for a second ultrasound and found me a private room on the labor and delivery floor. She came to the ultrasound with us and sat while we watched our baby ALIVE and strong as ever. She looked at the tears on the baby's sack and checked the heart rate. When we were finished she turned to us and said " I have to admit, this does not look good! BUT I AM NOT GOD, and I have seen a lot of things that are 'impossible' happen and this baby SHOULD NOT BE ALIVE." She went on to tell us that at that point she could not tell us that our baby was going to die. At that point the baby should have been dead and might still die, but that she would not recommend a D&C at that moment seeing what she saw. She left the room and the ultrasound tech asked if she could PRAY with us! I have never heard a prayer so strong and confident. She claimed God's promise that if we ask He will give. She begged for God to allow our miracle to continue. It was very touching!

By 8:45pm I was finally allowed to eat and drink, and was moved to a room upstairs for the night. I contracted hard through the night until they stopped around 2:00 AM. Amazing enough I was able to rest and prepare myself for whatever today held. I went to bed held firmly in Gods arms and can honestly say I had a peace filled night!

At 8:00 AM (September 16,2011) Dr. F personally rolled the ultrasound machine into the room to verify viability of the baby. All of us were fully expecting to see a lifeless baby. She positioned the screen so we could clearly watch what was going on and sat down on the bed beside me. As soon as she put the scope on my belly the baby was dancing as perfect and wonderful as they day before. We sat for 15 minutes and watched our baby. We did not have to look at everything else, we did not have to move it around we just got to sit and watch as the baby put on a show! It was such a precious time! Dr. Fe said "Every text book says your baby should be dead! God sure does like to give you miracles!" We sat and bragged on what God was doing as we watched and literally just absorbed every moment we could.

                 Here is a short video of that time...

By 11:30 AM I was on my way home to wait and pray that my miracle would continue, and again I am reminded that God is ALWAYS right and God is ALWAYS good. No matter what the next moment brings I am taking in this moment that I get to hold my baby the only way I can and I am going to enjoy it! I am so thankful for everyone that is praying for us! I have felt God's amazing grace in so many ways the past 36 hours. So many moments that God made himself known... I am so Blessed!

Chapter 3 - A Get Out of Jail Free Card

On September 12th, 2011 I finally had what is known as a "new ob" visit. I was already 13 weeks and 2 days. I had been about 6 weeks without any complications at this point. Other than not being able to eat anything but fruits and some veggies for the last 2 weeks and still gaining 6 pounds I had NO complaints. These things did not seem that abnormal to me so I did not even mention them to the doctor. The doctor gave us great news of a healthy pregnancy and a get out of jail free card... I was released from bed rest!!! My risk of miscarriage was gone and I was free to go back to my NORMAL activity! 

Tuesday, September 13 I got up and walked on the treadmill, just like I had been in the beginning of this pregnancy. After all I was NORMAL again! We also started Desi's first day of first grade. It felt so good to move around the house without every twinge of pain freaking me out. Wednesday I took the kids to their normal therapy appointments and found myself almost giddy about the fact I was almost 14 weeks and felt as good as I was. That night I went to church and stayed in our crawler nursery. I still tried to be careful about lifting, but it was so nice to just be back to the normal grind and not worry. Little did I know that God had so much more in store for us. More that I could ever imagine! God intended to solidify my belief in His goodness!

Chapter 2 - Trouble Starts

July- August 2011

The first few weeks were very smooth. We enjoyed a trip to the beach with lots of fun in the waves and hours enjoying the sun! I was in no hurry to schedule an appointment because I was still early and knew it would be a few weeks until they would see me anyway. Other than the expected fatigue and upset stomach I really felt great until the last week of July. I started experiencing some pretty intense pain across my back and my belly so I scheduled an appointment to get checked out. The doctor expressed concern that I was experiencing a ectopic pregnancy and sent me for a sonogram to verify if the pregnancy was in the fallopian tube or in the uterus where it should be. The ultrasound showed the baby in the uterus measuring 6 weeks and 2 days. The baby was as high and close to the top of the uterus as he could get but we could still see a heart beat and everything looked good. The doctors decided the pain was likely caused from kidney stones and and that I should go home and see if I could "flush" the stones on my own.

Sonogram picture of Gabriel Michael: 6 weeks 2 days

The pain continued for the next several days and then I started spotting so I went back to the doctor for another ultrasound that showed the baby was still okay. The docs sent me home with orders to "take it easy and try not to worry everything is fine" so that is what I did.

                                           7 weeks 6 days

 That night I was laying in bed when I had a very sharp severe pain across my belly. It only lasted a few seconds so I decided it was gas pain and not anything to worry about. A couple minutes later my mind was changed, I felt and heard a snap in my belly and immediately started bleeding VERY heavily. I was bleeding so bad that I knew there was no way my baby would survive. After calming myself down and getting my kids to bed I called the doctor. To my relief it was my regular doctor on call, I explained what had happened and that I was pretty sure I was miscarrying. (I had had other miscarriages and NEVER bled this bad so I figured it was a safe assumption) Dr. F told me that as long as the bleeding let up I was safe to wait until monday since it was Friday night and she did not want me sitting in the ER for hours for someone to tell me something I already knew. So we waited and began to try and deal with the loss of yet another pregnancy. Monday morning I went in for my third ultrasound in 2 weeks, my husband took off work to be with me to hear the news we had prepared for all weekend. I did not even let the technician turn my screen on for me to see. I knew my baby was gone, I did not need to see it. When the tech started the sono my husband hit my leg and told me to look, the baby was FINE! We were completely shocked and excited! The doctors later told me that there was a small pocket of blood between the wall of the uterus and the baby's sack that was a small tear. She said I needed to "take it easy" and put me on bed rest, but that eventually the baby would grow into that space.

                                              8 weeks 2 days

After this appointment was when I really started to get excited about our baby! I was no longer worrying about what was gonna be "wrong" with the baby when he got here, but awe struck by God's hand protecting the tiny precious life growing inside me. God's grace enveloped me after this appointment and I began to see His goodness every time I turned around. The recognition that no matter how bad things might get God is always right and God is always good was an everyday lesson in our lives.

On August 25th I had a nurse visit and a sono with a quick "looking good" from the doctor. Although I was still on bed rest things were calming down and we were settling in. Since I was only 2 days shy of 11 weeks now and needing to pull my maternity clothes out I decided it was time to tell the kiddos so I did not have to dodge any more questions from inquiring minds. My kids were so excited and their excitement just helped my excitement swell!

                                           10 weeks 5 days