* *This post was written on Friday, September 16, 2011... 2 days before I delivered Gabriel Michael. I shared it on facebook as a note, but thought it was important to include it in my blog for others to piece together my journey.**
Yesterday morning (September 15, 2011) I woke up at 5:30 with the instant knowledge that my day would be one I would never forget. I found myself in instant sever pain with the onset of labor and soon after realized that, for lack of better description, my water had broke. I was then hit with the severe hemorrhaging and panic set in! Becausethis has not been the smoothest of pregnancies my first thought was God is taking my baby, and there is NOTHING I can do this time. My next thought was "God is ALWAYS right, and GOD is ALWAYS good!" I have spent the last 14 weeks ingraining that phrase into my thought process of life, and it was that thought and phrase that held me through the scariest moments of yesterday.
I arrived at the emergency room around 6:30am and within 20 minutes was being rolled into a room for what ended up being a TWO hour ultrasound. The first thing the tech did was show us our baby's heart beating. WHAT A PRECIOUS SIGHT! That sight brought me hope, put me back on top of that mountain! As the hours passed they took hundreds of pictures, left the room to talk to the doctor, had a second tech come in and take more pictures and my hope became tainted little by little. We were then wheeled back to the er with no information.
At 9:30AM the OB doctor came in, one I had never met before, dressed in her operating scrubs. She told me, very coldly and distantly that I was losing the baby my cervix was wide open. She said I needed to go to surgery that moment for a D&C. I was MAD! I had seen the heart beat, MY BABY was still ALIVE, but she wanted to take it away saying there was NO HOPE. When I refused the D&C and asked to go home she told me I had to sign a form because I was leaving the hospital against medical advice. When I asked her what advice she was giving me that would make me stay she told me I needed to do the procedure because 95% of people do it so they can "Get back to their families, on to the next pregnancy and get on with their lives" She also said I was putting myself at risk trying to "miscarry" on my own. I again refused the procedure and ignored her until she left the room.
We cried and hurt really not know anything... we had gotten no explanation as to what happened, we did not know if my water had broken, we did not know anything except I was dilated and she said I was losing the baby. All I knew was she was not playing God on my body and taking my living baby out of my body guaranteeing its death!
At 11:00AM I was still unable to think to know what to do, or ask the questions I needed the answers to so I reached out to a friend that I knew could understand what I was going through, Renee Parris. She instantly was on her way and what a blessing that was! She was able to give me a voice and help me get my questions answered! She sat with me and let me talk through my feelings not caring that they were raw and harsh. Understanding what I was feeling, and that I really just needed to not have to know the answer. She sat with me as the er doctor explained that the baby's sack had completely detached from the uterus and that all supply and communication from my body to the baby had been severed. That it was inevitable, my baby was going to die! I sat with my husband and Renee trying to prepare to say goodbye to my baby, something I have done 4 other times in this pregnancy.
As the hours passed the ER doctor tried to convince the ob doctor to allow another ultrasound to check viability of the baby and she refused. They tried to get her to come back down and check my cervix, and she refused. She said that if I was not having the procedure there was no reason for her to do anything else. Because the ER doctor did not want me to leave in active labor, which at this point I was contracting every three minutes, she continued to try and get the OB doctor to come check on me before discharge. We waited more than 7 hours when the shifts changed before we saw a doctor. The doctor that was on call that night was a gift from God! Dr. F is my regular doctor... she delivered all 3 of my babies and we have been through so much together! She got in the building at 6:00 pm and was in my room by 6:15! She instantly got the ball rolling for a second ultrasound and found me a private room on the labor and delivery floor. She came to the ultrasound with us and sat while we watched our baby ALIVE and strong as ever. She looked at the tears on the baby's sack and checked the heart rate. When we were finished she turned to us and said " I have to admit, this does not look good! BUT I AM NOT GOD, and I have seen a lot of things that are 'impossible' happen and this baby SHOULD NOT BE ALIVE." She went on to tell us that at that point she could not tell us that our baby was going to die. At that point the baby should have been dead and might still die, but that she would not recommend a D&C at that moment seeing what she saw. She left the room and the ultrasound tech asked if she could PRAY with us! I have never heard a prayer so strong and confident. She claimed God's promise that if we ask He will give. She begged for God to allow our miracle to continue. It was very touching!
By 8:45pm I was finally allowed to eat and drink, and was moved to a room upstairs for the night. I contracted hard through the night until they stopped around 2:00 AM. Amazing enough I was able to rest and prepare myself for whatever today held. I went to bed held firmly in Gods arms and can honestly say I had a peace filled night!
At 8:00 AM (September 16,2011) Dr. F personally rolled the ultrasound machine into the room to verify viability of the baby. All of us were fully expecting to see a lifeless baby. She positioned the screen so we could clearly watch what was going on and sat down on the bed beside me. As soon as she put the scope on my belly the baby was dancing as perfect and wonderful as they day before. We sat for 15 minutes and watched our baby. We did not have to look at everything else, we did not have to move it around we just got to sit and watch as the baby put on a show! It was such a precious time! Dr. Fe said "Every text book says your baby should be dead! God sure does like to give you miracles!" We sat and bragged on what God was doing as we watched and literally just absorbed every moment we could.
Here is a short video of that time...
By 11:30 AM I was on my way home to wait and pray that my miracle would continue, and again I am reminded that God is ALWAYS right and God is ALWAYS good. No matter what the next moment brings I am taking in this moment that I get to hold my baby the only way I can and I am going to enjoy it! I am so thankful for everyone that is praying for us! I have felt God's amazing grace in so many ways the past 36 hours. So many moments that God made himself known... I am so Blessed!
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