"Hear my cry, O God, attend unto my prayer. From the ends of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Ps 61:1-2
I know it has been a while since I updated through a blog post. It has been 5 1/2 months since God wrapped his arms around Gabriel and took him from me. The grief has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and I have just been holding on tight and trying to ride it out. All the while begging God to just let it end and my life go on without the hurt. I have not sat around and cried, actually the only time I had cried up until these last 2 weeks was in Church services and in bed after everyone else was sleeping. But the closer my actual due date gets and the bigger my friends "baby bellies" get the more my heart hurts.
To say I have been having a tough time is an understatement! For the last 2 weeks my heart has been very heavy. The tears have flown unstoppable at EVERY unexpected moment and the hurt that I feel has caused a loneliness that is unexplainable.Yes, my mind knows all the right "God" answers, my mind understands the sovereignty and goodness of my God. My mind knows that even though I do not feel the love and grace of God at this very moment does not mean it is not there. But my heart aches with an emptiness that seems as if nothing will fill it. To be around people has become VERY difficult because I feel that my pain cannot be masked by the joy I want to feel for my friends. My happy has left and the sadness has settled in. I know, you might be thinking at this moment, "It has been nearly 6 months why now? " I am thinking the very same thing! I am not sure why I could control my grief before, but now I feel completely out of control. Before I put my sadness in a jar and only dealt with it when I had time for it, but now I have no choice but to make time for it.Yes, I am fully aware that this sounds like a pity party! And yes, this is your invitation! I keep trying to tell myself to suck it up... to "put it away" and cry about it later. I KNOW it could be worse, and that so many people have it MUCH worse than me right now. No need to beat me up over it, I have already taken care of that part... complete with the use of my Grandpa's favorite phrase "Suck it up, you cream puff"! I have been tough, I have held myself up when I did not want to. I have MADE myself be okay. But right now God has disabled my coping mechanism and made me into a weak vessel full of tears and pain. No "tough mama" face to keep from "worrying" the family. No plastered smiles and friendly conversations with my friends. Just me, a lot of tissues, and the hope that these tears will heal the heartache I feel from my empty belly and rid me of the guilt that I feel for so many ridiculous reasons!
I have clung to the promise from psalms 30:5b "weeping may endure for a night, but JOY cometh in the morning."
I have set this time aside to grieve. Not intentionally this moment, God picked this moment, but instead of fighting it and being angry at myself for not being able to "control" it I am going to allow it. Set aside this season for complete and utter sadness, and then set a time to "put it away".
In Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4 it says "1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:...4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;"
So for my friends and family, never fear, if I start crying the second you ask me how I am doing, I AM OKAY! On purpose I will weep and mourn. On purpose I will accept this season, and THEN on purpose I will laugh and Dance! And although I know many of you want to support me through this time I do not expect anyone to attend my pity party! BUT I will invite you to my celebration of life when this "season" is over!
Thanks for letting me share... and thank you to all of you who pray for me!
On a side note, I got test results back today with a diagnosis that explains the severe infection that made my body "reject" Gabriel and get so sick. I have the same infection that Cade had, Bartonella. It was masked by the massive doses of antibiotics I was given to treat the "sepsis" and pneumonia after I delivered, but is still active in my body. I will be seeing an infectious disease doctor and coming up with a treatment plan in the next few days. Please pray this treatment will heal my body and help me to get back to feeling good again. I also ask that you pray there is no permanent damage caused from the infection in my uterus. Thanks in advance for your prayers!
In Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4 it says "1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:...4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;"
So for my friends and family, never fear, if I start crying the second you ask me how I am doing, I AM OKAY! On purpose I will weep and mourn. On purpose I will accept this season, and THEN on purpose I will laugh and Dance! And although I know many of you want to support me through this time I do not expect anyone to attend my pity party! BUT I will invite you to my celebration of life when this "season" is over!
Thanks for letting me share... and thank you to all of you who pray for me!
On a side note, I got test results back today with a diagnosis that explains the severe infection that made my body "reject" Gabriel and get so sick. I have the same infection that Cade had, Bartonella. It was masked by the massive doses of antibiotics I was given to treat the "sepsis" and pneumonia after I delivered, but is still active in my body. I will be seeing an infectious disease doctor and coming up with a treatment plan in the next few days. Please pray this treatment will heal my body and help me to get back to feeling good again. I also ask that you pray there is no permanent damage caused from the infection in my uterus. Thanks in advance for your prayers!
Praying for you, Sarah!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteSarah, I am so sorry you are going through this, but I really do understand. The sometimes confusing thing about grief for me was that it was not linear - it wasn't a little better every day - there were waves of grief and then times where it wasn't so hard. I am told this is rather common, and that the stages of grief don't come in some specific order - they sometimes sneak up and surprise you. Also, in the shock of the early stages, it is pretty easy to compartmentalize just to survive. But, as my grief therapist said, this is one thing you can't skip - you can ignore it for awhile or delay it, but eventually you have to work through it.
ReplyDeleteI will say that with time the pain doesn't go away, but it does get easier to allow the sadness to co-exist with joy - without one necessarily diminishing the other.
Feel free to reach out if you just need an ear to listen, and know that it is perfectly normal and fine to be sad and cry. It sometimes feels like in our society we are expected to get over it, or focus on good things, rather than just being in the feelings and sadness by honoring that they are there for a season.
hugs to you.
Thank you Sue! I appreciate your encouragement! Grief is a complex and surprisingly sporadic "season". I know now that by not allowing myself to grieve I was just bottling it up and waiting for it to explode at any moment. Thank you for your kindness and willingness to support me through this! Holding on for the ride for a few weeks.
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