My Family

My Family
July 2011

When I decided to start a blog like this it was a very hard decision. Not only do I feel like I really am not “seasoned” enough to offer advice or guidance about life experiences, but it is also very hard to relive and put into words some of the hardest moments in my recent experience with the loss of my angel baby, Gabriel Michael (9/18/2011). I talked to a few people that said they waited years before they wrote about their journey through the loss of their own baby, but God keeps bringing this blog back to my mind and reminding me that there will be someone that might need this, the parts that I can write about, tomorrow or next week or next year. I am unsure about how much I will write. I do know that it may take years to actually put my entire journey into words, but if what I am dealing with today can help someone tomorrow I want to share it. This blog might seem like pages from a personal journal, and for good reason! I want to be as real and honest to my friends as possible. I want you to be able to read about the raw and painful moments that God can and will carry you through if you allow Him. I believe God can use this blog to help others because a year ago in August I read someones blog about her journey through the loss of her baby and God brought that blog back to the forefront of my mind while I was in labor with Gabriel. And a couple months ago I read a lady's blog about her current pregnancy and how the loss of her last baby taught her to cherish holding her baby in her womb because it might be the only time she gets to hold him. Their words were uncensored when it comes to trying to make me, the reader, feel more comfortable. They were honest and transparent when it came to their grief and reactions to their loss. If these words helped me I pray my words will help someone through their journey. I do not write this for people to see how strong I am, but to see how good God is! I don't want for people to feel sorry for me, but for people to read through the good, the bad, and the ugly and say “I hope if I am ever put in this situation I don't do that!” or “I hope that God is as real to me as He was to her!” Through all of my journey my biggest hope is that God's amazing grace will shine through to you as bright and magnificent as it was to me in my darkest hours!


Friday, November 11, 2011

Chapter 1 - A Daunting Discovery

July 2011

I knew for a few days before I finally convinced myself to take "the test" that there was more than just a little bug causing my fatigue and overall malice, but at this point I tried hard to convince myself if I didn't KNOW I could pretend it was not real for a little longer! The thought of being pregnant again was very daunting. Since I had two boys with congenital birth defects you can probably imagine the negative thoughts and worry that was brought on by KNOWING I was pregnant. I finally slipped away and took a pregnancy test while I was running errands. Of course it was positive and to be honest my heart sunk... I was terrified of everything unknown! The doctors have reminded me numerous times how high my chances of having a baby with worse birth defects are. So the confirmation of Gabriel's existence was again a daunting moment!
I did not want to tell ANYONE! I wanted to pretend it was not real, that I did not have to face the concern, stress and heartache that this pregnancy might bring. ( I know this sounds horrible, and I feel horrible now for feeling this way, but that is why I share "the ugly"! I was so terrified about what would come that I could not enjoy where I was and that was precious moments I lost!) I did tell my husband that night. Nothing cleaver and cute, nothing coy and exciting... My husband noticed I was worried about something and when he said everything is going to be okay I blurted out that it was not going to be okay because I was pregnant! He was instantly excited and went straight to the thoughts of needing a bigger house and planning for the future. He did not have the immediate fear that I had (although that would come later) he was just excited! He wanted to tell EVERYONE, but I still wanted to wait!
That night we laid in bed and talked about the pregnancy. Tommy expressed concern that it was my first pregnancy in 3 years and with a history of miscarriage he was a little scared to get too excited so we decided we would only tell immediate family and a few close friends.
The next couple weeks went by uneventful and I was able to adjust to the idea that I would soon have a precious bundle to swoon over. The idea seemed less daunting every day.
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