My Family

My Family
July 2011

When I decided to start a blog like this it was a very hard decision. Not only do I feel like I really am not “seasoned” enough to offer advice or guidance about life experiences, but it is also very hard to relive and put into words some of the hardest moments in my recent experience with the loss of my angel baby, Gabriel Michael (9/18/2011). I talked to a few people that said they waited years before they wrote about their journey through the loss of their own baby, but God keeps bringing this blog back to my mind and reminding me that there will be someone that might need this, the parts that I can write about, tomorrow or next week or next year. I am unsure about how much I will write. I do know that it may take years to actually put my entire journey into words, but if what I am dealing with today can help someone tomorrow I want to share it. This blog might seem like pages from a personal journal, and for good reason! I want to be as real and honest to my friends as possible. I want you to be able to read about the raw and painful moments that God can and will carry you through if you allow Him. I believe God can use this blog to help others because a year ago in August I read someones blog about her journey through the loss of her baby and God brought that blog back to the forefront of my mind while I was in labor with Gabriel. And a couple months ago I read a lady's blog about her current pregnancy and how the loss of her last baby taught her to cherish holding her baby in her womb because it might be the only time she gets to hold him. Their words were uncensored when it comes to trying to make me, the reader, feel more comfortable. They were honest and transparent when it came to their grief and reactions to their loss. If these words helped me I pray my words will help someone through their journey. I do not write this for people to see how strong I am, but to see how good God is! I don't want for people to feel sorry for me, but for people to read through the good, the bad, and the ugly and say “I hope if I am ever put in this situation I don't do that!” or “I hope that God is as real to me as He was to her!” Through all of my journey my biggest hope is that God's amazing grace will shine through to you as bright and magnificent as it was to me in my darkest hours!


Friday, November 4, 2011

Why Not?


This first blog is a compilation of journal entries from October3rd- October 6th 2011

Not that I am ignorant enough to believe that I am through all the stages and emotions felt with the loss of a baby or that I think I will never feel the “uncontrollable crying” and “anger” stages, but right now I feel silent grief.
I do not allow myself to sit around and cry about losing my baby. I fight the tears for fear of my family and friends worrying about me or feeling like they are not enough for me. I put on a brave face for anyone who asks me how I am doing, and just tell people about how good God is (which by the way HE IS GOOD!) in an effort to keep my emotions in check. I catch myself being sad and feeling sorry for myself and in that same moment I tell myself to “suck it up”! I constantly “check” myself with reminders of Gods blessings throughout this entire situation. I do not allow myself to be angry or broken by our loss of Gabriel. It seems to me like anger and bitterness would just negate the goodness of God allowing me to hold my baby in my hands! Well meaning friends have told me that I need to allow the anger, just get mad and get it over with, but I cannot even allow myself to question God for even a moment. My mind says “Why God?” and instantly I think “Why not?”After all so many moms would give anything to hold their baby that died and because of what ever circumstance they never even got to see their baby. The morning after Gabriel's birth I was still in a room on the maternity ward and was awakened by the sound of babies crying as they were escorted down the hallway to their mommies. I wanted so badly to call the nursery and ask for them to bring me my baby, I just wanted to hold him one more time. Today I still feel the same way. My arms feel so empty at times they ache and I want to scream! “WHY GOD?”, but then I say “Why not my Gabriel?”. GOD is holding him, painting the sunrise and the sunsets with him! Painting the storm clouds and forming the raindrops! What better life could I have given Gabriel? My heart aches to hold him in my arms, to hear his little baby sounds, but yet I am so thankful! God put so many things in my path to prepare me for this moment in my life. Things that taught me to enjoy and not take for granted the 14 weeks I carried Gabriel and the 5 weeks God allowed me to enjoy his movements. The 4 extra days God allowed me to carry my living, moving baby boy when all the doctors said he should be dead! In the 8 hours of painful and heart wrenching labor I was able to live and love in the moment. God allowed my water to break, my contractions to stop and for us all to grieve the moment that all hope in saving our baby from what my body was doing was lost. This moment was the most devastating moment I have ever endured. Then God ALLOWED my contractions to resume and me to deliver and hold our precious perfect little boy! I may never know WHY God needed my baby, but getting to hold my lifeless baby boy, perfect and complete at 14 weeks 1 day is something that I will never take for granted! It was heartbreaking and horrible, but at the same moment it was wonderful! I felt like I was holding a piece of heaven! I held him for three hours. I sang to him, I kissed on him, I told him how much I loved him, I thanked God for him and then I gave him back to God.
So yes, my grief might seem silent at times and it might not look like the grief of a mommy that just lost her baby, but as I grieve my heart is so full of gratitude for the blessings of God that when my mind says “Why God?” my heart SCREAMS “Why not?!?”

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