Today I found myself VERY overwhelmed. I slept in my bed for the first time last night since my baby spent his first night in heaven. I bathed in my tub for the first time since my womb has been empty. I washed my dishes in my sink with no complaining movements from me leaning against the counter from my baby boy. I sat on my bed and felt the empty feeling from the corner where the crib WOULD have been. My chest and arms have ached most of the day. A physical pain that I try to blame on the lasting effects of being so sick the weeks after Gabriel, but I know the truth is, it is a common pain from grief. My mind would not let me forget the things that I did the days before my world fell apart. The walk on the treadmill, the normal appointments for the kids, my turn in the nursery at church, all things I had avoided on bed rest for the most part until those days! All the "what if's", if I would have or if I wouldn't have... would he be safe? Growing safely inside me today? But I already know the answer... all this pain is by design! God chose it for me! I would have NEVER chose it for myself, but God has a plan and it includes me... such an overwhelming feeling! So as I sat overwhelmed by the pain and the seemingly monumental task to magnify God through the tears I remembered His promise to me. Sometime in the first few days after Gabriel was born my mama read me these verses and I claimed them as my promise from God... especially the words I have put in bold letters.
Isaiah 43:1-5 "But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee. Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life. Fear not: for I am with thee: I will bring thy seed from the east, and gather thee from the west;"
I do not consider myself a theologian, but I know that no matter how many days like today I have, and I know there are many to come, I hold a promise that HE knows my name! That even though at moments I feel like I am drowning in this raging river HE promised they will not overflow me because I am precious to HIM!
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